by Pat Keenor
1. Getting Wet
Cats and water do not, on the whole, mix. Kitty is an expert groomer and keeps herself clean all on her own without the addition of soap and water. Occasionally, you may have to "persuade" kitty to take the plunge for medical reasons but she will be very annoyed - very, very annoyed - although I have seen videos and pictures of some cats positively revelling in the wet stuff. So, cats absolutely hate getting wet - except for those who don't.
2. Eating Stale Food
Let's get this absolutely right. By stale I am not necessarily referring to food that has been left in a bowl all day in the heat of the summer. In cat-land, any food left in a bowl for longer than a few minutes is deemed stale. Kitty may have just gobbled up a desiccated piece of unidentifiable rodent she found in the garden, but she will turn her nose up at the premium cat food you lovingly decanted into her bowl 10 minutes ago.
3. Riding In Cars
Cats are extremely prone to motion sickness so just hate riding in cars. They are very territorial and hate being taken out of their comfort zone. I have heard of some cats who appear to love road trips and will happily travel for hundreds of miles in that giant steel cat box. So, cats hate riding in cars, except for those who don't.
4. Loud Noises
Fireworks, car horns, children screaming, doors banging, plates smashing, sirens, loud laughter, the screech of gulls and clapping are a few of things that make your cat run off and hide like she's being pursued by the hounds of hell. Then there's sneezes, dropped cutlery, smoke alarms, barking dogs, shouting, vacuum cleaners, hair-dryers and anything louder than the decibels produced by a normal human talking voice.
5. Taking Pills
You will know the painful truth of this if you have ever tried to get your cat to take a pill. Suddenly her jaws acquire the tensile strength of a steel trap. You can hide it in best wild salmon and she will carefully eat the salmon and leave the pill. There was a article on How To Give a Cat a Pill doing the rounds on the internet a few years ago. I repeat it below just in case you have never seen it before or want to be reminded.
How to give a cat a pill
- Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie the little @!!@#@#$%'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
- Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a dog a pill:
- Wrap it in cheese.
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