Friday, 17 June 2016

How To Be Top Cat

It's Friday - the day Carlton takes over my blog. Views are his own and not necessarily, in fact, rarely, shared by the blog owner.

How To Be Top Cat

by Carlton Cat

THE Mr and Mrs have been really busy lately, attending to family matters and working full-time, so they have not lavished as much attention on me as they usually do.

When I adopted them I knew I would have to take the rough with the smooth. I could, if wanted, get up from the comfy bed, side-step the tuna chunks and exit through the cat flap to find pastures new. But I have invested so much time in training these two that I don't think I can be bothered starting from scratch with another *pet.


Anyway, when I was a young cat-about-town I disappeared for a couple of days, I came back to find posters put up all over the area saying, "Have you seen this cat?" I wouldn't have minded but the photo they used of me didn't even feature my best side. And, really, did they have to tell everybody that I had a small bald patch on my tummy? Totally humiliating. Honestly, you can't trust them to do anything right.

At least they didn't put up a poster like the one below. I like the sound of Ms Cranky Pants, though. I wonder if I can wangle a meeting?

When the *pets are in the house, I try not to leave them alone for too long as they are prone to  bad behaviour, like drinking too much beer and wine, watching too much TV, reading books and talking on the phone for hours to their friends and family. I have to nip this mischief in the bud by crawling all over them, demanding attention and keeping them busy with things like removing a half-chewed mouse from under the sofa.


I also keep them busy by walking over the fresh laundry with muddy feet, hiding vital accessories like car keys and shedding hair over their furniture, clothes and pillows.

Despite all these measures, the pets still sometimes misbehave so you have to discipline them. Firm but fair, is my motto. One method is lie enticingly on the sofa with your stomach exposed, begging for a rub. Let them tickle you for a short while and then GRAB! While they are screaming, say YOU. WILL. NEVER. GIVE. ME. CHEAP. OFFAL. CHUNKS. IN. JELLY. AGAIN. Sadly, humans are not the most intelligent species on the planet and this tactic may or may not work. Frankly, I don't care, I just like doing it.

A word to my fellow felines, these are tried and trusted methods to get you back on top spot as numero uno in their life.

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  1. Yes, our cats have trained us well. Kaspar loves to show his tummy and then attack and we keep coming back for more. The kitty in the picture does not seem to be the sweetest I have to say

  2. You are tough on your humans, I hope my cats don't read this and get any ideas.

  3. It is many years since I have lived with a cat and I am not sure I could be properly trained again. I got somewhat lax with dog owning over a long time period I'm afraid. It sounds like you have invested a lot of time training the Mr. and Mrs. I do think you would be wise not to seek pastures new.

  4. The family that lost Ms Cranky Pants must be distraught...

  5. Carlton, I want you to know that I never leave your blogs up because I don't want any of my cats reading it. They do just fine with their slave training without any help.

  6. lol humans sure take much training indeed. The hand grab is a classic one.

  7. We have a lot of top cats around these parts MOL!

  8. Is it okay if, when we're exposing our bellies and during the Grab, we yell something like, "NO MORE PINK-COLORED MOUSIES!" Do you think that will help get the point across that we don't like unnatural toy mousies? *Furiously taking notes*

  9. This is Carlton speaking. I am glad so many of you slaves, I mean, pets are so well-trained and you know who is Top Cat in your house. Dear Colehaus Kitty, I think your yell about pink mousies is perfectly acceptable. The hand grab is fine. I would do the same in your position.

  10. Mrs. Cranky Pants? Definitely not a type poster you'd want printed about you. :)

  11. MOL Me has mommy trained purretty good. Course sis Lexi did most of da work so me just has to make sure she stays in line and doesn't furget somethin'.

    Luv ya'

    Dezi and Raena

  12. Hahaha!! Now I know where I've been going wrong all these years!!! Very funny :)

    Thank you for coming by! My slave has been revolting lately (in every way!) but I'm getting NUCAT on to it and we are hopeful for a settlement very soon so that we can return to normal posting :)

  13. As a well trained slave, myself, I think you are wise to stay put. :)


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